There's nothing like a good laugh! Remember that humor can brighten up anyone's day, and it's all in good fun. If a joke doesn't resonate with you, skip it and choose the ones that you think will make your residents smile the most!
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You know you're getting old when you bend over to tie your shoes and you wonder...
what else you can do while your down there?
Lost dog with 3 legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear, tail broken and recently castrated. Answers to the name of "Lucky",
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. '
The Englishman says, 'Look at that English cow, she's a winner alright.'
The Irishman disagreed. 'Hang on, that's an Irish cow.'
The Scot thought for a moment and settled the argument. "No way, it's a Scottish cow - you can tell from the bagpipes underneath.'
Henry took his wife to the state fair every year, and every year she'd say to him, 'Henry, you know that I would love to go for a helicopter ride. It's been my life-long dream.' But every year Henry would reply 'I know dear, but helicopter rides are $50, and frankly, $50 is $50.'
The next year, Vicky put her foot down. 'Henry, I'm 87 years old. if I don't get a ride on the helicopter this year I might never go.' Once again, Henry replied, 'Vicki you know that a helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50.' this time the pilot overheard their conversation. 'I'll tell you what. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can manage to keep your nerve and stay quiet for the entire time, I won't charge either of you. But say just 1 word and it's $50 each.'
Vicky & Henry agreed, so up they went. The pilot did everything he could, but they never made a sound. He did all sorts of stunts & tricks, over and over, around and around, but still, no word was uttered. When they finally landed the pilot shouted over his shoulder,'Well I've got to hand it to both of you, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but neither of you made a sound and I'm really impressed.
Vicky said, 'To tell you the truth it wasn't easy, and I nearly said something when Henry fell out on that first turn but you know, $50 is $50,'
An elderly lady was standing on the street. She had both hands holding on to her hat, while the wind was blowing her dress up around her waist.
A dignified gentleman came up and said 'Madam, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around like that. It's very indecent, and both your hands are holding on to your hat!'
She replied 'Look, mister, everything I have down there is over 70 years old. This hat is brand new!'
There was once a pirate captain who never once lost a battle. He sailed the seas, taking ship After ship, no-one seemed to be able to defeat his crew in combat.
One day his first mate was curious about their great success. "Cap'n, how is it you inspire the crew to fight their best, no matter what we face?"
"Well don't tell 'em lad, but I always wear me red shirt, so if I'm ever hurt the men won't see me blood and keep fighting with all they got. I want them to keep thinking I can't be touched."
The first mate was impressed and kept his secret through many more battles.
One day, the first mate spied over a dozen ships on the horizon and immediately went to tell the captain. When the captain heard this he calmly made one request. "Ok lad, best go fetch me my brown shorts then.'
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her. So she asks him why he's staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you."
She answers "My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have you get a chance to see and hear almost everything. I'm sure there’s nothing you could say that I would find offensive."
"Well" says the driver, "I always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
"OK" says the nun. "let’s see what we can do then. But first I have to know that you are single, and you are a Catholic."
"Yes, yes" says the cab driver. "I'm single, and I'm a Catholic!"
So he pulls over and the nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie. But when they get back on the road the cab driver gets emotional.
"My dear, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me", says the cabbie. "I've lied. I'm actually married, and I'm Jewish".
The nun says, "That’s ok, my name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party".
A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a cliff.
The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the cliff.
The brunette says, “I think I'm the most beautiful”... and falls off the cliff.
The red-haired says, “I think I'm the most clever”... and falls off the cliff.
The blonde says, “I think...” and falls off the cliff.
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied again.
"Damn, he recognized me, “she thought. “I’m not going to let him get the better of me.”
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because dear, that's a microwave," he replied.
A blonde asks a bypasser, “Excuse me, would you tell me where the other side of the road is?
“It's on the other side”, he says.
“Strange”… says the blonde, “When I was on the other side, people told me it was here...”
Two blondes and a brunette get stuck in an elevator. One of the blondes starts to shout for help but nothing happens. The other one then shouts for help – again nothing happens.
The brunette offers some advice: “Girls, if you shout together, you'll be louder.”
The blondes look at each other and shout: “Together!!! Together!!!...”’’
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two homeless men show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will not make the party after all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She looks out the window and sees one of the men doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other man and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous!
I have never seen such a thing! Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other individual says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER FINGER?"
A man storms into the kitchen and walks directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he says, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replies, "My guess would be the funeral director."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She so wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist-deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. The blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
An elderly couple had just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the backyard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher said he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called dispatch again. He said, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. "
The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."
Teacher, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home”.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher, “who just threw that?!”
Boy, “Me!” So now I’m going home.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite daily joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, and Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel looks bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "I know that, but if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.
“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”
Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!”
General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”
Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”
General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”
Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”
General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?”
Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and the pair take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.
The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch, and asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replies: “We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” says the sailor. “What about your hook?”
“Well,” replies the pirate, “while my men and I were plundering in the Middle East, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the Middle East is the loss of the hand that steals.”
“Incredible!” remarks the sailor. “How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replies the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asks incredulously.
“Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
Edinburgh man Willie McTavish knows the end is near. He calls his family to be near his side, along with his lawyer to record his last wishes.
"My son, Andy; you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter, Sybil, take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier. My son Jamie- I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Bayside of Blackwater Sound".
The lawyer and the children are astounded as they had no idea of his extensive holdings. As Doug slips away, the lawyer says "Sarah, your husband must have been a hard working and shrewd man to have accumulated all of this property!".
The wife replies, "Property? The asshole had a paper route.".
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married an English girl. He told her she was to do the dishes and the entire house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes all washed and put away.
The second man married an American girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the laundry & the washing. It took a while, but on the third day, he came home to a well-kept home.
The third man married an Aussie girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He didn't see anything on the first day, he didn't see anything on the second day either, but on the third day some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see out of his left eye, his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher, but he still has some difficulty when he urinates.
Wife - ''Do you want dinner?"
Husband - "Sure. What are my choices?"
Wife - "Yes, and no."
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
What do you call a sleeping bull? Bulldozer.
What do you do when you sit under a cow? A pat on the head.
Why do eggs do not tell each other jokes? Because they crack each other up.
Why do deer need braces? Because they have buck teeth
Why were the baby strawberries crying? Their ma and pa were in a jam
Why was the cucumber mad? Because it was in a pickle!
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had nobody to go with.
The assistant asked the blonde whether she'd like her pizza cut into 6 pieces or 12. "Six please" she said. "I could never eat 12."
How do you know when you are drowning in milk? When it’s past your eyes!
Did you hear about the fellow who lost his left arm and his left leg? Well he's alright now.
What does a sheep dog and bra have in common? They round them up and point them in the right direction :-)
How do you make an orange turn over? Tickle its navel!'
What did the puppy say when it sat on the sandpaper? Ruff Ruff!
What has fifty heads and no brains? A box of matches!'
What did one flea say to the other flea? Shall we walk or take the dog?
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You’re too young to smoke!
My husband tells me he enjoys a glass of wine for its health benefits...the others that follow must be for all those witty comebacks and flawless dance moves he has...?
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
Why did the bee fly with his legs crossed? Because he was looking for the BP Station!
Remember Popeye and Olivoil, Peewee the little boy? Well they had another baby, guess what they called it? Baby oil....
Why does a male dog pee with his leg up on the tree? Because the very first male dog to pee on a tree kept his leg down and the tree fell on top of him!